Today’s Musings
Starting a personal project is not easy. I’m not sure why. Perhaps the idea of committing to a routine is too daunting. Maybe I don’t have enough confidence in myself after so many failed New Year’s (and “new you”) goals. I know that I promised myself to work on my health a month ago, but there was always a reason (and excuse) for me to put it off.
Even today, it took me hours to bring myself to commit to this post. I slept until it was late afternoon and thought, I should try again another time. I already missed half the day. Why not shoot for next Monday?
I think procrastination and fear are two reasons it’s easy to get trapped in a depression funk. I’ve heard people call the experience a “downward spiral,” but maybe we should start calling it the “runaround circle” because it’s like living without any destination.
“… maybe we should start calling it the ‘runaround circle’ because it’s like living without any destination.”
For example, I’ve been waking up late for the last year due to my fear of not having a stable job and, in complete opposition, my fear of finding another toxic work environment. My disappointment usually leads me to search for something that gives me a short burst of dopamine: playing video games, scrolling through memes, and binging TV shows. I should be making goals like submitting more job applications or polishing my writing skills, but those options seem so difficult that I’m paralyzed at the starting line. I can’t bring myself to leave my “runaround circle.”
My days are blurring together. I wake up late, waste some time, and eventually go to sleep. Some days I don’t care, some days I hate myself, and most days I’m just lost in my mind’s worries. I’m not happy with this pattern, but I couldn’t be bothered to reach out and change … Until now.
My self-destructive behavior—which, ironically, was my lack of meaningful behavior—is hurting my loved ones. My finances are pitiful. My social life doesn’t exist anymore. When you suffer from depression, there are a few lucid moments that urge you to make a change. Right now I’m tugging at one of the lifelines.
And I can’t help but simplify my options: Do I finally rise out of this spell? Do I go back to that stagnant circle? Or will I fall into a real downward spiral?
I want to be happy. I want to find my smile, my dreams, and my excitement. I want to start wondering what joy I might stumble into tomorrow.
And maybe that’s just the first step someone needs to take when they’re stuck: just choosing to want to have joy. It’s not easy. It can’t be guaranteed every day. And most times, you have to be proactive by building, adapting, and accepting the positive emotions back into your life.
“And maybe that’s just the first step someone needs to take when they’re stuck: just choosing to want to have joy.”
Hopefully, through this journey, you can see this. My blog challenge is an attempt for change. Tomorrow, I’m excited to see what new thing I will accomplish while searching for joy again.
Today’s Accomplishments
Taking Care of My Body
I’m not sure about most people, but when I’m sick, the first thing I give up on is my body and appearance. It doesn’t matter what type of sickness—mental or physical. I could be taking a day off because my allergies are so severe that I can’t talk without a sneeze after every word. I might be hugging the toilet because I got the stomach bug from some questionable hot dogs. If I don’t feel well, the last thing I want to do is carry myself to the bathroom, brush my teeth, see my gross self in the mirror, and take a shower where I’m alone with my thoughts.
I swear that a common symptom when you’re ill, which nobody wants to list, is an aversion to yourself. Doesn’t matter if it’s a physical or a mental sickness. If you feel bad in any sort of way, you don’t want to see it in your reflection or dress it up. This is easy for people to call “laziness” when, honestly, it feels like a form of helplessness.
“This is easy for people to call ‘laziness’ when, honestly, it feels like a form of helplessness.”
I have been ignoring my appearance for at least 8 months. I probably haven’t done laundry for maybe 3 months, give or take. I used to practice putting on bold makeup by watching Youtube channels, but I stopped using my face as an art canvas after dealing with stalkers and almost being attacked at a gas station.
I know I’ve let myself go. I’m not happy with the way I look because I know I should be treating myself better.
Which is why, I think the first step to healing is learning to appreciate your body again. Even if your body and chemicals might be acting against you, nothing is perfect. You can’t just give up on yourself.
For instance, every morning I wake up with excruciating phantom pains in the back of my neck. I’ve tried every pillow imaginable, including ones that come with instruction manuals because they look like a stretched out Rubix cube. This reoccurring pain makes me dread the mornings so much that I try to force myself to go back to sleep—because at least the pain goes away if I’m not conscious. But if I can find the willpower to hop into the shower, the hot water eases my sore muscles. The relief gives me a chance to pep talk myself into not wearing old pajamas for the rest of the day. If I take care of my body first thing, I have a better chance of facing the rest of the day.
So the first step in this challenge to snap out of my depression is to wake up and take care of my body. I need to make a routine.
I want to feel beautiful again.
I need my confidence.
Even if you think you’ll never be 100 percent happy with seeing yourself in the mirror, that doesn’t mean you should give up. You might never reach that perfect beach body. You might never be able to get rid of the scars, pimples, freckles, and whatnot that make you want to hide from the public. But nobody is perfect. And if you try just enough, and find even one physical quality you love, then it’s time to water that part of you. Who knows. Maybe you’ll find more to love when you look at yourself.
“But nobody is perfect. And if you try just enough, and find even one physical quality you love, then it’s time to water that part of you. Who knows. Maybe you’ll find more to love when you look at yourself.”
I’ll be honest. I wasn’t able to take care of myself this morning, but as I type out this blog post, I’m going to take a shower, use face wash, put on lotion, brush my teeth, floss, and use mouthwash. I know I’ll feel better and clean when I rest. And then tomorrow, I’ll aim for repeating this process in the morning.
Maybe I’ll try to put on makeup again. And hopefully, before the end of the week, I can find the bravery to share my pictures.
It’s baby steps. This is my half step to gaining ground on my health. And I wish everyone else who is struggling that you’ll find your start.
Today’s Encouragement
You are beautiful, gorgeous, and handsome. Even if you’ve been letting yourself go or ignoring your needs, it doesn’t mean you have to drown in the quicksand for the rest of your life. There’s a way to escape what feels like an impossible—and hopeless—situation. It’s not easy. You have to move in a specific way to keep from sinking any further. But you can do it.
And life will constantly set traps under your feet. But you have the strength to get out.
I believe in you. I love you. Even if your mind is telling you that these words are a bunch of BS and it’s all just dressed up lies—the real truth is, you are breathtaking in some way. And if you search long enough, I hope you find the stunning aspects of you that make you smile.
“Even if your mind is telling you that these words are a bunch of BS and it’s all just dressed up lies—the real truth is, you are breathtaking in some way.”
So take care of yourself. You deserve to.