Author: LWHunt

How Depression Effed Me Up (And Still Keeps the Hits Rolling)

Posted on by LWHunt

 

How Depression Effed Me Up (And Still Keeps the Hits Rolling)

 

 

Earlier this year, I attempted a 30-day challenge to try to change my mindset and escape depression. I would spend each day focusing on myself. I would wake up early and enjoy life again. I would get better.

 

Ultimately, I failed.

 

We hear a lot about challenges. There are the diet challenges—Keto, Paleo, Atkins—that we meal prep for in hopes for a healthier body. The active challenges—gym memberships, exercise apps, marathons—that we discipline ourselves to build up our strength and endurance. The journal challenges—grateful notes, thankful lists, vision boards—that are supposed to help us attract more positive thoughts. We like to put time limits on these successes. We like to talk about how rewarding and euphoric the end results will be.

 

We hardly talk about the impacts of what happens when we fail to meet these goals.

 

Take my depression challenge example. I managed to write up three posts summarizing my days and progresses towards being better (such as sleeping for shorter periods of time and focusing on my appearance again). On the 4th and 5th days, I kept up with my challenges, but it was too overwhelming for me to fit in time to write about my accomplishments. Eventually, after looking back and seeing that I missed posting for these days, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I messed up again. I was failing. I was disappointing. I was a liar, a loser, a screwup.

 

So I stopped. I fell back into my old habits. Another couple of months passed me by in this numb, suspended state. And I felt even worse than before because I kept mentally berating myself for not having a “happy ending.”

 

We like to read and hear about people who made it. Who got it right quickly. Who survived after a disaster and learned not to make the same mistakes.

 

Truth is, life is much more complicated than that.

 

Some of us, myself included, will fall back into habits we consider destructive far more often than we’d like to admit. Others will beat the challenge on the first go around. That’s what makes humans unique.

 

You never know how your nature and nurture will get you through the day.

 

And so I failed. Hardcore failed. And depression still clings to me.

 

But I’ve learned a lesson from my disaster of a challenge. As long as I’m alive, there is no time limit. I’ll just have to approach each day the best I can. And learn to be kinder to myself when I make a misstep.

 

One day I’ll figure out how to stay consistently happy and be excited to see the mornings. But, for now, there’s no reason to put pressure on myself with a time limit.

 

So for those of you who are also struggling, let’s …

 

      1. Switch out “challenge” for “goals in progress.”
      2. Rename “failure” to “lessons learned for tomorrow.”
      3. And forgive ourselves when we fall instead of hating ourselves for not being able to stand.

 

Eff Out of Depression – Day 3 – Rediscovering Hobbies

Posted on by LWHunt

 

Today’s Musings

 

If you’ve been in a depressed slump, there’s a high possibility that you gave up on your hobbies. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I can tell you from my own experience that it’ll be more difficult to heal if you start regretting that you “wasted so much time” and “should’ve done more.”

 

When you’re sick, you rest. If you haven’t had a healthy head space, then it’s good you’ve taken a break from your hobbies. The point of having hobbies is to unwind and enjoy the—not force yourself to commit to them no matter what.

 

“The point of having hobbies is to unwind and enjoy the—not force yourself to commit to them no matter what.”

 

I used to write and submit to literary magazines almost every day. I kept a mermaid planner where I’d track my word count. A couple months ago, around when the Coronavirus started to dominate the news sources, I didn’t have the heart to write. Anxiety and uncertainty took over the hours that I had devoted to leisure time.

 

Now, I’m preparing myself to get back into writing. I’ve updated my planner with cute stickers that have encouraging words. I keep telling myself that I gave my mind a well needed vacation, and now I have the renewed energy to write with fresh eyes.

 

For anyone who is also trying to get back into their hobbies, take it slow. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t put pressure on yourself to catch up on lost time. As I mentioned in my last post, be mindful. Focus on the present and the joy that your favorite activities can give you.

 

“As I mentioned in my last post, be mindful. Focus on the present and the joy that your favorite activities can give you.”

 

And if you don’t think you can bring yourself to reclaim your old hobbies, there’s nothing stopping you from trying out news ones. Maybe a clean slate is what you need. As long as you search for something to do that makes you happy—that you choose and want to do on your own—then you’re on your way to wellness.

Today’s Accomplishments

 

Healthy Cooking

 

I’m not a fan of cooking. I survived college with cup ramen and mug brownies which could be nuked in the microwave. However, I wanted to make better meals for myself. I looked up crock-pot meals that I could put together in under an hour.

 

The end result was a batch of chili. It was a simple recipe. I got to smell the food cooking for eight hours, which helped develop my appetite (that tends to elude me most days). And I felt good with the end result.

 

There’s nothing wrong with starting off easy. I think I’ll make a few more crock-pot meals before I tackle using the stove-top.

Today’s Encouragement

 

You deserve to put aside time to do something fun. Living means allowing yourself to be amused, entertained, and fulfilled. 

 

“Living means allowing yourself to be amused, entertained, and fulfilled.”

 

If you’ve gone through a depressive spell or had to take time off for your health, don’t punish yourself for it. Don’t continue to put off your hobbies because of guilt, regret, or self-loathing. If you want to have “me time,” then go ahead and take it.

 

Learn to play again before tackling work.

 

Eff Out of Depression – Day 2 – Swear I’ll Keep Trying

Posted on by LWHunt

 

Today’s Musings

 

You need to repeat a habit for 30 days before it becomes a routine. But what if you keep messing up the challenge early on?

 

Today I wasn’t able to keep to my new morning routine (shower, wash, brush, and smile). Instead, I woke up tired and late again. I shimmied into the same white sundress that I wore yesterday. I even forgot to eat breakfast until it was 1 PM. My entire day felt like it started off with a missed alarm, so what was the point in scrambling to catch up? I fell back into a paralyzed state.

 

For about an hour, I stared at my popcorn ceiling and was consumed by my thoughts. What do I do now? I am always screwing this up. This should be easy. Other people have no problem being an early bird and taking care of their body. I’ll never be able to do this. This will never work. If  can’t make it to day two, then there’s no way I can make it to thirty.

 

I wanted to quit altogether again. I hated failing so early on. I was overcome with thoughts of how I would always let myself down.

 

It’s easy to beat yourself up when you have high standards or cling to a specific outcome. Disappointment can simply consume you when you’re already in a negative head space.

 

When I was in college, I had a professor who created a course for all the stressed and anxious students in my year. The class was called Jane Austen and the Buddha. In this class, we had to read Jane’s novels and figure out how the heroines put into practice Buddhism’s core values. One of the most important lessons I learned from this class was the importance of mindfulness in any situation.

 

Mindfulness is, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.” In short words, it means the act of being in the present moment.

 

In my experience, the temptation to give up or resign yourself to defeat is usually due to some kind of worry about the past and/or the future. Today, I obsessed over my disappointment with myself and worried about a domino effect for the next few days. I was sure that tomorrow would be a repeat. I guess, in a cliché way, I was preparing for my future to be bleak.

 

“… the temptation to give up or resign yourself to defeat is usually due to some kind of worry about the past and/or the future.”

 

Later on, I finally realized that I had psyched myself out by jumping to so many conclusions. I was worried about tomorrow when, in fact, I should’ve just accepted that I started the day later than I would have liked—and then just let it go.

 

Breathe in. Breathe out. A mistake was made. So what can you do now? What can you do right in this moment to get back on track or make yourself feel good again?

 

It takes 30 days to for a habit to become routine. But who said you can’t have a practice period? Who said you have to be so strict with yourself? Be proud of the progress you’ve made even if it’s off schedule.

Today’s Accomplishments

 

Cleaning Up

 

Although I didn’t plan to tidy up my apartment today, that’s what I ended up doing. After I was done beating myself up with critical thoughts in the early afternoon, I sat down to focus on myself. My boyfriend told me he had friends coming over late at night. Obviously, we would have to hide the mess.

 

I stared at the laundry building up by the front door and thought, I miss that special clean smell that detergent leaves on clothes. The memory was enough for me to finally gather up months of dirty clothes and find a laundromat. I felt so much better about myself once I found a productive project to convince me to take advantage of the rest of the day.

 

Afterwards, I let small projects bounce off one another. With my laundry clean, it made sense for me to start to reorganize the closet so I had more room to hang up my clothes. With no more clothes on the ground, I could clean the wood floors. New space started to open up all around me. 

 

The irony was—as soon as I freshened up the area around me, I felt motivated again to take care of my body. I wanted to match the beautiful room I helped put in order.

 

I’m glad things didn’t go as planned today. And when I look around at my clean apartment, I’ll remember that it’s okay to adapt plans. It doesn’t mean I failed my goals. It means I took a different route to get to my destination.

 

“…I’ll remember that it’s okay to adapt plans. It doesn’t mean I failed my goals. It means I took a different route to get to my destination..”

 

Today’s Encouragement

 

Don’t hate on yourself when you fail. If something doesn’t go your way, stop. Take in the moment. Accept that you made a mistake and move on.

 

Live in the present. Find something near you that makes you happy or leaves you lighthearted. Focus on the sounds around you. Find a task that you didn’t notice before needed your attention because you were distracted.

 

The motivation to not give up on the day might be in view. You just need the time to focus on what’s around you now. 

 

 

Eff Out of Depression – Day 1 – Choosing to Start

Posted on by LWHunt

 

 

Today’s Musings

 

Starting a personal project is not easy. I’m not sure why. Perhaps the idea of committing to a routine is too daunting. Maybe I don’t have enough confidence in myself after so many failed New Year’s (and “new you”) goals. I know that I promised myself to work on my health a month ago, but there was always a reason (and excuse) for me to put it off.

 

Even today, it took me hours to bring myself to commit to this post. I slept until it was late afternoon and thought, I should try again another time. I already missed half the day. Why not shoot for next Monday?

 

I think procrastination and fear are two reasons it’s easy to get trapped in a depression funk. I’ve heard people call the experience a “downward spiral,” but maybe we should start calling it the “runaround circle” because it’s like living without any destination.

 

“… maybe we should start calling it the ‘runaround circle’ because it’s like living without any destination.”

 

For example, I’ve been waking up late for the last year due to my fear of not having a stable job and, in complete opposition, my fear of finding another toxic work environment. My disappointment usually leads me to search for something that gives me a short burst of dopamine: playing video games, scrolling through memes, and binging TV shows. I should be making goals like submitting more job applications or polishing my writing skills, but those options seem so difficult that I’m paralyzed at the starting line. I can’t bring myself to leave my “runaround circle.”

 

My days are blurring together. I wake up late, waste some time, and eventually go to sleep. Some days I don’t care, some days I hate myself, and most days I’m just lost in my mind’s worries. I’m not happy with this pattern, but I couldn’t be bothered to reach out and change … Until now.

 

My self-destructive behavior—which, ironically, was my lack of meaningful behavior—is hurting my loved ones. My finances are pitiful. My social life doesn’t exist anymore. When you suffer from depression, there are a few lucid moments that urge you to make a change. Right now I’m tugging at one of the lifelines.

 

And I can’t help but simplify my options: Do I finally rise out of this spell? Do I go back to that stagnant circle? Or will I fall into a real downward spiral?

 

I want to be happy. I want to find my smile, my dreams, and my excitement. I want to start wondering what joy I might stumble into tomorrow.

 

And maybe that’s just the first step someone needs to take when they’re stuck: just choosing to want to have joy. It’s not easy. It can’t be guaranteed every day. And most times, you have to be proactive by building, adapting, and accepting the positive emotions back into your life. 

 

“And maybe that’s just the first step someone needs to take when they’re stuck: just choosing to want to have joy.”

 

Hopefully, through this journey, you can see this. My blog challenge is an attempt for change. Tomorrow, I’m excited to see what new thing I will accomplish while searching for joy again.

 

Today’s Accomplishments

 

Taking Care of My Body

 

I’m not sure about most people, but when I’m sick, the first thing I give up on is my body and appearance. It doesn’t matter what type of sickness—mental or physical. I could be taking a day off because my allergies are so severe that I can’t talk without a sneeze after every word. I might be hugging the toilet because I got the stomach bug from some questionable hot dogs. If I don’t feel well, the last thing I want to do is carry myself to the bathroom, brush my teeth, see my gross self in the mirror, and take a shower where I’m alone with my thoughts. 

 

I swear that a common symptom when you’re ill, which nobody wants to list, is an aversion to yourself. Doesn’t matter if it’s a physical or a mental sickness. If you feel bad in any sort of way, you don’t want to see it in your reflection or dress it up. This is easy for people to call “laziness” when, honestly, it feels like a form of helplessness.

 

“This is easy for people to call ‘laziness’ when, honestly, it feels like a form of helplessness.”

 

I have been ignoring my appearance for at least 8 months. I probably haven’t done laundry for maybe 3 months, give or take. I used to practice putting on bold makeup by watching Youtube channels, but I stopped using my face as an art canvas after dealing with stalkers and almost being attacked at a gas station.

 

I know I’ve let myself go. I’m not happy with the way I look because I know I should be treating myself better.

 

Which is why, I think the first step to healing is learning to appreciate your body again. Even if your body and chemicals might be acting against you, nothing is perfect. You can’t just give up on yourself.

 

For instance, every morning I wake up with excruciating phantom pains in the back of my neck. I’ve tried every pillow imaginable, including ones that come with instruction manuals because they look like a stretched out Rubix cube. This reoccurring pain makes me dread the mornings so much that I try to force myself to go back to sleep—because at least the pain goes away if I’m not conscious. But if I can find the willpower to hop into the shower, the hot water eases my sore muscles. The relief gives me a chance to pep talk myself into not wearing old pajamas for the rest of the day. If I take care of my body first thing, I have a better chance of facing the rest of the day.

 

So the first step in this challenge to snap out of my depression is to wake up and take care of my body. I need to make a routine.

 

I want to feel beautiful again.

 

I need my confidence.

 

Even if you think you’ll never be 100 percent happy with seeing yourself in the mirror, that doesn’t mean you should give up. You might never reach that perfect beach body. You might never be able to get rid of the scars, pimples, freckles, and whatnot that make you want to hide from the public. But nobody is perfect. And if you try just enough, and find even one physical quality you love, then it’s time to water that part of you. Who knows. Maybe you’ll find more to love when you look at yourself.

 

“But nobody is perfect. And if you try just enough, and find even one physical quality you love, then it’s time to water that part of you. Who knows. Maybe you’ll find more to love when you look at yourself.”

 

I’ll be honest. I wasn’t able to take care of myself this morning, but as I type out this blog post, I’m going to take a shower, use face wash, put on lotion, brush my teeth, floss, and use mouthwash. I know I’ll feel better and clean when I rest. And then tomorrow, I’ll aim for repeating this process in the morning.

 

Maybe I’ll try to put on makeup again. And hopefully, before the end of the week, I can find the bravery to share my pictures.

 

It’s baby steps. This is my half step to gaining ground on my health. And I wish everyone else who is struggling that you’ll find your start.

 

Today’s Encouragement

 

You are beautiful, gorgeous, and handsome. Even if you’ve been letting yourself go or ignoring your needs, it doesn’t mean you have to drown in the quicksand for the rest of your life. There’s a way to escape what feels like an impossible—and hopeless—situation. It’s not easy. You have to move in a specific way to keep from sinking any further. But you can do it.

 

And life will constantly set traps under your feet. But you have the strength to get out.

 

I believe in you. I love you. Even if your mind is telling you that these words are a bunch of BS and it’s all just dressed up lies—the real truth is, you are breathtaking in some way. And if you search long enough, I hope you find the stunning aspects of you that make you smile.

 

“Even if your mind is telling you that these words are a bunch of BS and it’s all just dressed up lies—the real truth is, you are breathtaking in some way.”

 

So take care of yourself. You deserve to.